On Loneliness, Isolation, and Growth
"I need to find a way to exist in this moment as I am now”
A few years ago I decided to completely isolate myself. I had just gone through one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, and decided (subconsciously) to completely cut myself off from the world in its entirety. Granted--I was already going through a downhill spiral beforehand--but I’d never fully hidden from the world the way I did (and still have been) during that period. Unfortunately, what started as a period of healing and purposeful self-isolation escalated into a years-long period of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and finally, growth.
At first, I was comfortable in my aloneness. It felt like a choice. I spent the majority of my days in my room either reading, listening to music, or napping. Given that I was grieving, spending the greater part of my time alone felt therapeutic. However, it wasn’t until months--and eventually years--passed by that I realized that the loneliness was no longer a choice. After spending so much time solo, I had fallen out of the practice of socializing (yes, that’s a thing). I noticed that I was unable to talk to people as freely as I used to. No matter how hard I tried to focus during a conversation, I kept feeling anxious, insecure, and overwhelmed while speaking to new people. I also noticed that I’d become way more introverted than I'd used to be--hanging out with people became physically draining instead of an energy booster. Before I knew it, I had no social circle (not even acquaintances) and I dreaded the thought of being spoken to.
Being someone who has always identified as an extrovert (an ENTP to be exact), my sudden personality shift into being an introvert was hard to get used to at first. In the past I’d never shied away from starting conversations, never thought twice about complimenting someone, and never knew when to stop talking--even if it led to some unwanted consequences. But almost overnight, it became almost impossible for me to put myself out there. So much so that after a year of struggling to even make eye contact with people, I finally decided to see a therapist and was diagnosed with GAD and clinical depression.
After a few years of oscillating between really high-highs and extremely low-lows, I’ve realized that my new found sensitivity and ability to be alone with myself is actually a blessing. I’ve learned so much about life, who I am currently, and who I aspire to be in the future. Most importantly, I’ve learned how to hold space for others and genuinely connect with the people I love. It might sound crazy that I had to go through a three year period of depression to learn such simple things but I’m deciding to have grace for my previous selves. There’s so many things I didn’t know (and still don’t know) and I’m grateful to have the opportunity to keep growing and learning. Most of all, I’m grateful for the person I’m becoming--I know she’s going to be a great friend, sister, partner and daughter.
All of this to say, it’s a new chapter for me and I’m so happy that you guys are here to experience it too! :) This post is not at all an exhaustive recount of my mental health struggles--I’m planning on writing a lot more on this topic! But for now, I wanted to be a little vulnerable here and give you guys a look into my little life :) If you’ve read this far I love you and I hope your month is full of joy. Until next time. <3
Thank you for sharing your story! As someone who has also really struggled & still struggles with feelings of isolation/loneliness & having to learn how to work with my anxiety, it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this experience♥️